Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

I’ve been so desperate for love my entire life. It started when I was in 1st grade. We had to write stories about giants. Most kids wrote stories about giants going to space or giants going on a submarine trip. Not me. I wrote a story about two giants falling in love. It must have been too mature because my teacher told me to scrap it. She said it was too inappropriate. Even at 7 years old I thought that I needed someone to complete me. …

Photo by Vlad Tchompalov on Unsplash

During quarantine, I experienced one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. I had some pretty bad depressive episodes before. It happened every few months. I would cry constantly. I was filled with hopelessness. And I could barely do simple tasks. I isolated myself and turned away from the world. In between these depressive episodes, I experienced bursts of energy. My self confidence was heightened. I was able to take risks. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. And I just kept going up and up and up.

Until eventually, I dropped, crashed, and burned.

I told my…

My beautiful mother: Nancy Schwartz

I don’t really know what I thought acceptance would be. In my imagination it was a pot of gold at the end of a really shitty rainbow. I thought that the weight I was holding would be lifted off my shoulders and life would feel normal. God dammit, I thought that life would be filled with glitter and unicorns. But that is not what acceptance is.

When I lost my mom two years ago, I thought I knew what grief would be. I knew the classic model by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler . The five stages of grief: denial…

Check out this easy one step guide to grief

My mother, Nancy Schwartz, in the 1970's.

At the end of my psychiatry appointment last week, my psychiatrist ended our session with a tough pill to swallow.

“You can’t medicate grief,” he said.

Grief is something so hard to explain. When it hits, it feels like you are walking around with an invisible 5,000 pound elephant. Nobody can see how much effort you’re putting into carrying around all that extra weight. The invisible elephant wakes up with you in the morning, sits in your lectures, and follows you all the way to bed. If you’re like me, you pretend there is no elephant in the room.


Molly Schwartz

Trying to make the world a better place, one word at a time

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